Yankees Pick Up Fat Bastard To Start Second Half

Though Whiny Steiny predicts a Yankees rebound, many other people are predicting quite the opposite. Even the blowhards on ESPN's Baseball Tonight, who are always on the Yankees jock, are now claiming that the overpaid team from the Bronx will be watching the postseason from home come October.

It's no secret that the Yankees need a lot of things for them to even have a chance to make it to the playoffs this year. Many claim that they need an extra bat in the lineup, while others say they need another arm in their starting rotation. Yankees nerdy, wimpy GM, and Steinbrenner whipping boy, Brian Cashman, went out and made a huge deal. And, when I say huge deal, I mean the fat, bloated, troublemaker Sidney Ponson.

I'm sure Yankee fans are happy in their delusional oblivion thinking the Yankees made a good deal and Ponson will help them make the playoffs. Think again, you arrogant fools. Ponson hasn't been a decent pitcher since 2003, when he won 14 games for the Orioles. Near the trading deadline of that year, he was traded to the San Francisco Giants, where many saw him as the starting pitcher they needed to push them in to the postseason. Ponson's record after coming to the Giants that 2003 season: 3-6. First half of the 2004 season: 3-12!!!! Ever since, the only thing he has been successful at is stuffing his fat face, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol before he steps in a car, and being a part of physical altercations.

Over a nine month stretch, beginning on Christmas Day in 2004, Ponson has been arrested three times and was cut by the Orioles due to his bad behavior. Here are Ponson's offenses since Christmas 2004:

December 25, 2004: On a beach in his native Aruba, Ponson is accused of harassing a group of people with his personal watercraft, then punches out a judge. According to Ponson's attorney, alcohol is a factor in the incident, which leads to the hurler spending 11 days in jail on the island.

January 21, 2005: Clocked at 85 mph on I-95 in Fort Lauderdale, Ponson is charged with speeding, then DUI after he fails a field sobriety test and refuses a Breathalyzer.

March 23, 2005: Arrives at Orioles' spring training camp with swollen right hand after altercation at a Fort Lauderdale-area restaurant.

August 25, 2005: Stopped on I-95 in Baltimore for drunk driving, Ponson winds up receiving a five-day jail term in December.

September 1, 2005: Orioles terminate Ponson's contract. Pitching coach Ray Miller says, "If you got one DUI, you'd probably lose your job. When you get two or three and you're in the public eye and making that kind of money, things are going to happen."

Ponson was picked up yesterday after being let go by the Cardinals, who may have more of an issue with their pitching than the Yankees - and they didn't even want him! Put it this way: the Cardinals dropped Ponson to make room for Jeff Weaver. Yes, you read that right: Jeff Weaver. The Jeff Weaver who was 3-10 with a 6.29 ERA for the Angels in the first half of the season. Good going Yankees.

If you believe that this trade has actually helped the Yankees then you are sadly mistaken. If anything, you just guaranteed other teams the opportunity to add more games to their lead. What a joke.

Oh, and one last thing: Have fun with Jose Contreras tonight, Yanks! Remember when he used to be on your team after you outbid the Red Sox for his services? Yeah, he's now won 16 straight games for the White Sox and hasn't lost a game since August 15, 2005. With Randy Johnson (the #2 "most unsexiest man in the world") pitching tonight, you can see what a true pitcher looks like - one that now consistently wins.